2025 Reflection

 Yet another year has passed and I’m still alone LOL. Even worse so, most of my long-time single friends are now dating. While I sincerely rejoice with them and truly desire that their current relationships lead to marriage, I can’t help but be reminded of my own singleness..and loneliness. I know that God can do anything at any time, but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship or get married. Though I know I can be okay, and I know that I have a blessed life regardless, the pain of that unmet desire just feels heavier and heavier as the people around me move onto marriage. My singleness feels like a touchy subject or elephant in the room. My life wreaks of pity; from my ugly body, broken out face, inability to breathe or eat well, my lack of a real career, my dumb mind. I’m so tired of who I am and the life I live, and every social setting becomes a mirror of my ugliness and uselessness. 


This year has been terrible although nothing tragic happened to me directly. Some themes of this year are: 

-Loneliness

-Depression 

-Foolishness

-Mourning (by my loved ones and self) 

-Realizing how stupid I am 


Amidst all this though, thankfully I have a fucken highlight which is growing in fondness towards my parents; the positive theme of 2025 for me. I work with them, drive home with them, eat dinner with them, spend plan-less saturdays with them. I feel bad that they still have to babysit their 30 year old daughter, but it does make me feel grateful that they do. My trip to Taiwan from 12/15-12/29 really encapsulated my family loving theme and again on 12/31 spending the last minutes of the new year with them. I will say I am grateful for this quality time. 


My Prayer: 

Lord.. I have no words anymore. Are you here with me? I’m sorry I’ve been distant and battling unbelief. But do you still love me and are your plans for me actually prosperous? Because sometimes my life feels like a mockery. I’m sorry for my hurtful words and I don’t want to make light of the suffering that Jesus endured. I know my suffering is nothing in comparison and even partially caused by my foolishness. I need your help, Lord. Please speak to me and reveal your love to me. In Jesus name, Amen. 

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